Confession, Obsession and Recovery

If a person's life story makes for good reading, then it should be put into words and shared. I'm not sure that any parts of my life story would entertain, inform, inspire or motivate. But I do feel compelled to share part of my experience. This part of my life is about obsession, determination, perseverance and pain. The terms dramatic, slightly embellished and very personal would best describe what follows.

Fifteen years ago, at the age of 30, I wrecked my left knee playing basketball. At the time I was overweight, unfit and trying to keep up with the 20-somethings. A few weeks after my injury I underwent surgery to remove a ruptured ACL and repair the meniscus.

After surgery and rehab, I was given options: try to deal with the current status of my knee, or have ACL reconstruction surgery. Due to my financial obligations and lack of paid time off (my employer at the time was 'less than generous' with PTO) I had no choice but to find a way to get along without an ACL. I worked hard at strengthening my body, but very early on realized that I would not be able to play basketball. As a consummate gym rat, I was shattered, and found myself groping for some replacement, an outlet for my need to challenge myself athletically and find fulfillment through achievement.

I fell back on a hobby that only a year earlier I had resurrected from the past - backpacking. The challenge and thrill of trekking through the wilderness with only the stuff I could carry on my back was a perfectly suitable replacement for my lost hobby. I threw myself head-first and chin-deep into hiking. It was not easy. And it was definitely painful and problematic. Through exercise I compensated a little for the missing ligament in my left knee, but quickly found that walking the downhill stretches of a trail was a slow, arduous undertaking. My fellow hikers often left me behind as they loped down the hills, while I took one carefully measured step at a time, braced with hiking poles and determined not to fall or fail.

For fifteen years I hiked in this fashion. I have found no explanation for what kept me going all those years, except for my stubborn refusal to give up. Over time I developed other issues which further challenged me - including circulation problems in both legs. I was forced to start wearing compression socks on both legs, uncomfortable but necessary. At times the pain and swelling in my left leg were so severe that I came very close to hanging up my pack for good. These issues had numerous effects on me, not all of which were negative. I learned to slow down, and enjoy the experience. Every step, every breath, every sight and sound in the woods that came my direction seemed sweeter in a way. Over time I learned to accept my lot in life, and be thankful for what I was still able to do.

Then, the worst/best thing happened to me. I further injured my already ailing knee while goofing around on a basketball court at my daughter's school. It was January 2010, and I was once again overweight and out of shape. Through the following months I found that going down stairs, even walking was becoming difficult and painful. I found myself once again facing that same decision - should I have surgery? At this point there was no other choice.

In April I consulted with an orthopedic surgeon. Dr. Andres is a mild-mannered, dispassionate man, and at first he did not understand why I wanted to have surgery after all these years. I gave him an impassioned story about my struggles and my obsession. After a little convincing he agreed to perform the surgery.

On June 24th I went under the knife. At that point I had no idea what life would be like after surgery, and I knew that due to my health issues and my age I might have a long recovery to deal with. Fortunately my current employer is more generous with PTO so my financial obligations were more than covered.

The pain began immediately after I awoke from my slumber. From that time forward, even to the present, pain has been a constant companion. The intense pain of the first three weeks after surgery was worse than I could have ever imagined it would be. Every simple task, from eating, bathing, using the bathroom, or changing clothes caused extreme pain, and I very quickly fell into a deep depression, wondering if the agony would ever subside.

Fortunately as time passed the pain did diminish, and by the middle of the fourth week I made a triumphant return to work. From there I passed several milestones, small yet significant, in my road to recovery. My first half-day of work, my first full day, my first physical therapy appointment, my first time to walk up a flight of stairs, my first tentative trip down the same stairs, and my last physical therapy appointment, each step along the path to recovery fell into place. In my case, time really did help heal my wounds, and as my body healed, my mind and spirit found rejuvenation as well.

I felt humbled, blessed, grateful and truly lucky to make it through the first steps to recovery. My knee was healing as well as could be expected, and I was feeling that familiar urge to test myself once again. I started putting out the word, to friends and on the internet, that I was looking for a hiking partner to accompany me on my first post-surgery hike.

October 10th was the start of a new stage in life for me. The courage and energy of my hiking partner was infectious. After spending a day on the trail with 'Jess' I found myself not only reveling in the joy of completing a modest 4.8 mile hike, but also motivated to climb higher and hike farther than ever before. My accomplishment that day was one of the biggest moments in my life, an epiphanic point that changed my perspective and fueled unimaginable ambition.

Since that day I have completed four more day hikes, each one longer and more difficult. My last hike, a 9.5 mile trek on Hamilton Mountain in the Columbia River Gorge, was the longest single day of hiking I had done in 16 years. At the end of that hike I realized that with a little luck and daily exercise I could continue to improve. For the rest of 2010 I plan to further strengthen my body, do as much hiking as I can, and work towards next year's summer hiking season.

If my good fortune holds, the summer of 2011 will be my breakout year. I will hike farther and higher. Beyond obsession, hiking has now become a part of me.